You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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