Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
