She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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