Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you had me at cake vodka
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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