The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
