Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
