she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
