I wish my penis had an off switch
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
