I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
