chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
