Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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