sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
