My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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