What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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