This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
