Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
