I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
