Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
