I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
