Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need moral support for this bender
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
