So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
