so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
