the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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