laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
