can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
