the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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