dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
