did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
