In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
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