I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
