Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
