I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
