We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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