Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
