apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
