i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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