went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
