isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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