so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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