I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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