you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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