I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
