My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
