I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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