the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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