Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
