Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
