Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
