They should really pass out barf bags in church
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
