did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
